As the cow eyed member of the Two Toes clan downing corn like there was no tomorrow continues with the tale, I listen most intently and surmise that Tommy Two Toes’ meeting that day must have been to acquire a Mickey Finn not designed to engender any sort of recovery and be passed off as the unfortunate outcome of consuming dodgy seafood or some such. However it seems that Tommy Two Toes cannot elude his propensity to fall foul of bad luck. Apparently, in a fit of good humour, or so it is related, he offers to make Sammy Spark, second cousin once removed’s fruit punch a tad more interesting and slips out of sight of the Methodist contingent to add a drop of tiger milk. It transpires however, as is the tendency for such misguided unfortunates as Tommy Two Toes, Sammy Spark, second cousin once removed does not drink the tainted punch but, putting it aside, chooses that moment to dance with Mrs Two Toes much to Tommy’s most great and obvious annoyance. Making a move to chin dance with Sammy Spark, second cousin once removed, he does not notice that Great Aunt Agatha, being a dame of advancing years and reducing memory, takes it upon herself to forget which is her glass of fruit punch, snorts down the one ear marked for Sammy Spark, second cousin once removed and promptly falls down dead.

A meat wagon arrives and, during the course of his ministrations, the croaker sticks his snoot in Great Aunt Agatha’s visage and smells almonds and one of the more observant waiters fingers Tommy Two Toes for the deed. Already possibly implicated in the bumping off of a couple of miscreants, Tommy Two Toes is charged with definitely causing the demise of Great Aunt Agatha and causing an affray at his own wedding anniversary shindig to boot.

At this point the cow eyed member of the Two Toes clan is thoroughly smoked and terminally morose. I sidle closer to hear better sure that no one, much less the intoxicated Two Toes relative will pay me no heed.

From what I can hear given the breaks in the chinning as the Two Toes relative has taken to sobbing periodically, for reasons best known to the judiciary and possibly Sammy Spark, second cousin once removed, whose luck it seems extends to possibly putting the lean on judicial process, Tommy Two Toes finds himself being ferried out to a cooler on the outskirts of the Apple in the back of a van before he has time to consider the irony of it all. And as luck would have it, the van in which Tommy Two Toes is no doubt pondering deeply, is hit most severely by a truck that does not have the courtesy to stop. As a result Tommy Two Toes goes to meet his maker far sooner than anticipated, no doubt repenting most earnestly for his sins.

I dip my last bill and make tracks convinced that no guy was ever as unlucky as Tommy Two Toes.

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